if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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