We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
