Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
