Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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