he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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