I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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