My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
