Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
