Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
