y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Too much gin, very little bucket
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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