I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
