Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hippo gnu deer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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