I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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