wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
