wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
