I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
