1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
