I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
