I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
