ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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