I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
