mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
