Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
