You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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