On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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