i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
