So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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