Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
