You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
