When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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