I accidentally had phone sex last night
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
