everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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