im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
