3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
