Best friends brother. Beat that.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
