you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
