Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
