He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
