the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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