There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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