when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize