Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
