Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
