it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
