I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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