I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
