fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Operation Purity has been aborted
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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