Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
