Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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