I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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