If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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