I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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