I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My vagina is officially offended.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
