Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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