I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
