I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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