Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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