I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
