everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
