Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
