dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
