I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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