just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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