God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
