see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
