nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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