dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We are two peas in an std pod
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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