Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
