2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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