I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
