I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
