I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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